The mommy / Adalynn relationship.
I wasn't sure that I would post about this, and if I did I could take it in many directions. I could talk about the importance of attachment in adoption, I could talk about how different it is to parent adopted kids,how much more intentional we have to be. How sometimes we have to change what we have been doing, and how sometimes that can be confusing and irritating to people. Even if others question my motives, even if my feelings are hurt. Adalynn is worth it.
I believe that God is using this season to teach me. I love analogies and this is about the realest one I have ever had. I have no doubt that God used Adalynn's rejection of me in China to help others. I believe I dealt with it ok. This isn't our 1st adoption, and the one things I do know about adoption is to have no expectations.
While I was pursuing our daughter and waiting for her..she wasn't waiting for us. She liked her life just the way it was. It was fine she was happy and content. While we offered a permanent solution to her temporary situation, she didn't know that, she didn't know that the foster family she was in was not forever. She was comfortable. Sometimes I am like that, I forget this world is temporary. I forget that God offers permanency and an eternal home. That HIS solution to my problems is forever, it is complete. While God pursues me, sometimes I don't want to be pursued.
I have tried to get my mind around why exactly, she rejected me. I don't know if it is because I took her away from the nanny, or if I looked too different. I don't know if it is something I did, but, I guess I represented everything that was changing in her life. Eli was a "mommy shopper" I was ok..but, the next female would be just as good, probably better. Not the case with Adalynn she was and is a "mommy rejector."She would push me away, scream if I touched her, hide her eyes if I would look at her, bite my finger if I got to close while feeding her. Hum...dare I say, (figuratively speaking) I have probably been guilty of this with God before.
Adalynn is a "baby with baggage" and I am not talking about just a backpack..this little sweetie packed it on..like 4 suitcases, and 2 carry-ons worth of baggage in her short life. But, you know what? She is just like me, she is just like most of us. We come with baggage. Maybe it is from childhood, maybe it's from our circumstances, maybe a result of some bad choices. Baggage..stuff..that effects the way we see our world, the way we deal with people, and our relationship with God. I am flawed, I am faulty. Yet, I am worth it, YOU are worth it, to God.
I remember at the end of our China trip, I asked Matt, "this can't last forever?" He says.."Well, it is day 11." That was it for me, 11 days..I allowed this for 11 days, yes she was a broken baby, yes, she was grieving..but enough was enough. Rejection or not, this is MY child. I strapped her in the baby carrier and she screamed and screamed, until she fell asleep and then when she woke up she screamed some more. She was worth it. Our relationship is worth it. The stares I got, for not being able to calm my baby, the rejection I felt, the fighting I endured. In the scope of life, in this temporary discomfort, she is worth it.
Progress for our relationship has been slow. Her love for me remains "lukewarm." But, we are making great strides. I have adored and loved THIS girl since the moment I laid eyes on her. Love can come, because for now I have enough love for her to cover us both. She is worth it.
When we first got home she began to tolerate me..if I was the only one around. I was good enough to change her diaper, to feed her, if she wanted something she would come to me. If we were out in public, (without Matt) I would be good enough to comfort her if she was nervous or scared. Her "tolerance" was conditional, as long as I was doing something for her, as long as she needed something from me I was good enough. Ahhh, conditional love. Am I guilty?..Yes. . Do I pray more when I need something, want something or have found myself in a difficult situation? Ouch. Ok, I get it. Yes, that's me.
I will say that now we are in a good place. While I am still not her favorite, if you see us at church or out as a family, you will hear her screams if I take her away from Daddy. All proof that as far as we have come we have a long way to go. But, I will pursue her, I will love her, I will cherish her. I will remember that I am just like her. Despite it all, HE says I am worth it, YOU are worth it, WE are all worth it, no mater what we have done, where we have been. I will jump for joy the day my Adalynn CHOOSES ME, the day that she accepts me as "Mama," but, until then I know that the road..all of it.. has been worth it. That Adalynn has been choosen by us, and that we have been choosen by God.
Love at First sight..not always true in adoption. But, this time it was for me. Unfortunately, not true for Adalynn:)
We spent weeks with this reaction every time I would hold her. But, this photo is fear, and grief at it's worse.
No she didn't calm down..just would occasionally need to "reload."
The day I decided. It was done.
The bow hides her expression well.
Cried or should I say screamed herself to sleep.
I think she is warming up. Yea, right!
Oh this was great! Here I am trying to calm her with snacks but, she is so upset she can't get them in her mouth. Up walks this important monk along with her followers, and prays over her and puts Buddhist prayer beads on her and on us..and on everyone sitting anywhere near us. They do this for good luck, and a blessing. She was sincere and compassionate...but, oh how it breaks my heart, to know that she worships a false god, how the prayers and the blessing are in vain.
For then, for now, for forever..SHE IS WORTH IT!!
