Worth It.

The mommy / Adalynn relationship.

I wasn't sure that I would post about this, and if I did I could take it in many directions. I could talk about the importance of attachment in adoption, I could talk about how different it is to parent adopted kids,how much more intentional we have to be. How sometimes we have to change what we have been doing, and how sometimes that can be confusing and irritating to people. Even if others question my motives, even if my feelings are hurt. Adalynn is worth it.

I believe that God is using this season to teach me. I love analogies and this is about the realest one I have ever had.  I have no doubt that God used Adalynn's rejection of me in China to help others. I believe I dealt with it ok. This isn't our 1st adoption, and the one things I do know about adoption is to have no expectations.

While I was pursuing our daughter and waiting for her..she wasn't waiting for us. She liked her life just the way it was. It was fine she was happy and content. While we offered a permanent solution to her temporary situation, she didn't know that, she didn't know that the foster family she was in was not forever. She was comfortable. Sometimes I am like that, I forget this world is temporary. I forget that God offers permanency and an eternal home. That HIS solution to my problems is forever, it is complete. While God pursues me, sometimes I don't want to be pursued.

I have tried to get my mind around why exactly, she rejected me. I don't know if it is because I took her away from the nanny, or if I looked too different. I don't know if it is something I did, but, I guess I represented everything that was changing in her life. Eli was a "mommy shopper" I was ok..but, the next female would be just as good, probably better. Not the case with Adalynn she was and is a "mommy rejector."She would push me away, scream if I touched her, hide her eyes if I would look at her, bite my finger if I got to close while feeding her. Hum...dare I say, (figuratively speaking) I have probably been guilty of this with God before.

Adalynn is a "baby with baggage" and I am not talking about just a backpack..this little sweetie packed it on..like 4 suitcases, and 2 carry-ons worth of baggage in her short life. But, you know what? She is just like me, she is just like most of us. We come with baggage. Maybe it is from childhood, maybe it's from our circumstances, maybe a result of some bad choices. Baggage..stuff..that effects the way we see our world, the way we deal with people, and our relationship with God. I am flawed, I am faulty. Yet, I am worth it, YOU are worth it, to God.

I remember at the end of our China trip, I asked Matt, "this can't last forever?" He says.."Well, it is day 11." That was it for me, 11 days..I allowed this for 11 days, yes she was a broken baby, yes, she was grieving..but enough was enough. Rejection or not, this is MY child. I strapped her in the baby carrier and she screamed and screamed, until she fell asleep and then when she woke up she screamed some more. She was worth it. Our relationship is worth it. The stares I got, for not being able to calm my baby, the rejection I felt, the fighting I endured. In the scope of life, in this temporary discomfort, she is worth it.

Progress for our relationship has been slow. Her love for me remains "lukewarm." But, we are making great strides. I have adored and loved THIS girl since the moment I laid eyes on her. Love can come, because for now I have enough love for her to cover us both. She is worth it.

When we first got home she began to tolerate me..if I was the only one around. I was good enough to change her diaper, to feed her, if she wanted something  she would come to me. If we were out in public, (without Matt) I would be good enough to comfort her if she was nervous or scared. Her "tolerance" was conditional, as long as I was doing something for her, as long as she needed something from me I was good enough. Ahhh, conditional love. Am I guilty?..Yes. . Do I pray more when I need something, want something or have found myself in a difficult situation? Ouch. Ok, I get it. Yes, that's me.

I will say that now we are in a good place. While I am still not her favorite, if you see us at church or out as a family, you will hear her screams if I take her away from Daddy. All proof that as far as we have come we have a long way to go. But, I will pursue her, I will love her, I will cherish her. I will remember that I am just like her. Despite it all, HE says I am worth it, YOU are worth it, WE are all worth it, no mater what we have done, where we have been. I will jump for joy the day my Adalynn CHOOSES ME,  the day that she accepts me as "Mama," but, until then I know that the road..all of it.. has been worth it. That Adalynn has been choosen by us, and that we have been choosen by God.

 Love at First sight..not always true in adoption. But, this time it was for me. Unfortunately, not true for Adalynn:)

 We spent weeks with this reaction every time I would hold her. But, this photo is fear, and grief at it's worse.

 No she didn't calm down..just would occasionally need to "reload."

 The day I decided. It was done.

The bow hides her expression well.

Cried or should I say screamed herself to sleep.

 I think she is warming up. Yea, right!

 Oh this was great! Here I am trying to calm her with snacks but, she is so upset she can't get them in her mouth. Up walks this important monk along with her followers, and prays over her and puts Buddhist prayer beads on her and on us..and on everyone sitting anywhere near us. They do this for good luck, and a blessing. She was sincere and compassionate...but, oh how it breaks my heart, to know that she worships a false god, how the prayers and the blessing are in vain.

                                        For then, for now, for forever..SHE IS WORTH IT!!

Squatty Potty

Ok..here it is the infamous Squatty potty, that they are so proud of in China! This is actually a really nice one as this was in the airport!

We actually saw new ones for sale all over, it is a popular thing. In fact, we are told that the Chinese think squatty potties are more sanitary. Even if a "western toilet" is offered, woman will line up to use the squatty potty while the western toilet sits empty. LOL!

And, yes, it takes technique..one I did not master. But, it appears that the Chinese woman don't really have it down either. Notice the sign, that hangs on the door in front of the potty. Yes, the floor is wet..like really, really wet. YUK! The first time I came out, one of our travel companions pointed out that my pant legs were wet. From then on I rolled them up, before entering the notorious squatty potty stall.

Oh yea, and notice the trash beside, that is toilet paper, as you can't put that in the potty. So much for sanitary. And, if you don't take your own toilet tissue, you are simply out of luck.

More from Lanzhou

Our daughter was born in Gansu Province, in the city of Wu Wei, but, we picked her up in Lanzhou. However, our guide told us that by her appearance, she was not "local." Meaning she was from a different area in China. He said her mother muct have orginally been from Sichuan, an area that is famous for beautiful women. I guess most Chinese models come from this area, and have a distinctive look, and our little Adalynn has that look, with her big eyes, and delicate features.

While Lanzhou was a big city, it was more remote than the other cities we experienced in China. I am pretty sure that they don't see Americans very often and very little English is spoken. The hotel here was also a little "rougher" than what we had elsewhere. I think they omitted the mattress in our room, as what we were sleeping on must have been just the box spring. It was literally hard as a rock. And the smoking! It was terrible, in China most all of the men smoke. We learned later that a "non smoking" floor in a hotel, means that smoking is optional...making for a pretty unpleasant experience. Also, Lanzhou, is ranked as the most polluted city im China, and China as a whole is very polluted. That is one of the reasons factories want to move there, because there are virtually no regulations. You will see lots of people in the photos wearing face masks.

We were so blessed to be with other adventurous travelers, Dan and Terri, and the 4 of us with our babies dragged sweet Shari and her daughter Hannah with us everywhere too. I hope that she enjoyed it as much as we did. We also had the opportunity to share many of our experiences in Gansu with Amber and Jesse, and their crew. (When we were with Amber and Jesse, we didn't get into any trouble, as they are experienced in Chinese Culture.)

We would go out and and walk and walk and walk some more. We ate where the locals ate, we shopped where the people shopped. And we got in lots of trouble, with our Mandarin or lack there of:)  One night we went to what must have been a fancy restuarant and we made a complete mess out of it! Again they put us in a little room, and closed the door. It was hillarious as we pointed to the pictures on the menu and tried to order. We were laughing, the Chinese servers were laughing. The lack of ability to communicate was just hillarious. When they brought our food, it was cold...cold meat, and I use the term "meat" lightly, I know some of it was pigeon and I am sure there were worse things than that. In another country it is safe to eat about any kind of meat..as long as it is cooked and hot. We ate a lot of weird things, but, this just wasn't going to work. So the guys get out the handy dandy phrase book and asked for the food to be "hot." Well, they didn't understand because the food was "spicy." We tried charades, which never did get us very far, just try to show someone you want your food hot with hand motions. Finally, after scouring the Mandarin book, Dan came up with the word "microwave." We probably insulted them, but, they took our food away and it come back hot.

My favorite part of going to a new place is to see how the people live, really live. I don't want the tourist version. I want to take the dirt roads. I want to go to the real market. I want to ask people what they dream about. We have been a lot of places, and I have asked this question many times, whether it is a guide in Ethiopia, a Jamaican man taking us on a river raft tour, or farmer in the countryside or a college student in Beijing. We all have dreams. I have never heard anyone in a third world country say they dreamed of a big house, a fancy car or winning the lottery. I hear that they want to provide for their family, that they dream of having a job. Most often I have heard that they dream about coming to America. While we take traveling for granted..it is really hard for people in other countries to get a Visa for travel, in addition to the fact that it is way more money than they could afford. Almost everytime, when I ask them where they want to go in America, it is New York City or LA. It occurs to me that this is all they know of America, and they judge our whole country on these 2 big cities...2 cities that I have never even been to.

Though on this trip, we did not get to see the countryside like I had hoped, I think we still got a taste of the "Real China." On our last day in Lanzhou our guide, Steed, took us to a farm town. We saw the markets, and were invited into the simple home of a farmer. That was a highlight for us, as they showed us around their modest home with great pride. It was humbling and a true honor to be there.

The front enry of a home in the countryside.

 Walking up to the home we were invited into.

 This is the family who were so gracious to welcome us into their home. They were proud of their home, and we were blessed to spend a short amount of time with them.I don't think they ever have American visitors.

 They were working on a project..not sure what.

 This was used the day before to roast a while hog.

 No matter where we are, people enjoy pretty things. Design is not just for us spoiled Americans, here is a handpainted tile wall.

 The kitchen, inside the home. Yes, that is all of it. In China homes do not have ovens.

The master bedroom, and living room. Bed at night sofa during the day.

 
 The back yard.

Roadside market.

As in all third world countries, a dump, right in the city.

 Beautiful view of the Himalaya Mountains as we left Lanzhou..Of course, Matt was interested in the bridge too. And no, the picture isn't fuzzy it's the smog and pollution.

Show Off

                        Here we are with the Magnuson clan..Jesse holding their new daughter Glory, Amber holding Emet and Jamin standing in front in the red coat. They would also add Saige to their family a few days later. Yes, that's right they adopted the boys from Ethiopia at the same time and then 2 girls at the same time for China.  (The random Chinese man was from the restuarant we dined in...a common occurence to see in our photos:)

Our story with the Magnuson's goes way back..to when we 1st decided to adopt, we met them at an adoption training seminar at Gateway Woods back in 2008. You can read more about this remarkable story in my previous posts. But, I couldn't tell the story better and give God more credit than Amber did on her blog..so these are her words, from their blog..www.magnews1.wordpress.com.

SHOW OFF
You can't tell me that my God is not a show off. He is. And He's the only One with any right to be. I mean, really, what other reason could there be to cause two families that met each other in 2008 as both were pursuing the adoption of their sons from Ethiopia, then having them travel together to meet their sons, two of which were from the same region, then 3 years later to discover that they are both adopting, (again) from China? Oh but, it gets better-the girls that both families are adopting are not only from the same province, but, from the same orphanage..(remembering that this area does very few adoptions, and the families are with different adoption agencies!) And just for kicks both families paperwork is ready at the same time and they get to travel together, again, to pick up their daughters. A praise-worthy show off is My God!
-Amber Magnuson

A little more backdrop to the story. The weeks before it was looking like we weren't going to be able to travel together, things just weren't coming together. Shari, (who was in our travel group) and I had been exchanging emails in the weeks prior to travel. In one of those emails she asked me if by chance we were the Matt and Elizabeth that were referenced in Amber's blog. Shari had just came across Amber's blog on a yahoo group. What are the chances?
Right before we left it really didn't look like things would work out for us to meet up. Shari emailed me and said, "Sorry it doesn't look like we will get to meet the Magnuson's." I told Shari, that while it looked impossible, in fact, at that late time it WAS kind of impossible, that I would be really surprised if God didn't pull it off. Well. It worked, since we were in Beijing the Magnuson's had an important piece their paperwork delivered to us at our hotel and we took it along to Gansu. His timing was perfect!

I love this story!!!

Promoting China Adoption

Here is our travel group, and new found great friends! Though we did meet many more adoptive families as well, this was our official group. The K family brought there 3 teenage boys along, as they adopted little Jasmine, their son Jonathon had us all cracking up most of the time, he is quite the comedian! They had waited a long time in the healthy program before switching to special needs and being matched with the perfect little 3 year old for their family.   The G family, brought along their 4 year old son adopted from China previously. I love their story! They adopted 2 kids this time. Isaac, and Jennai. I kind of felt like I already "knew" their daughter, Jennai, she had been on a waiting child list for a long time, and I also followed her on the Love Without Boundaries blog, (an American organization that takes great care of special needs kiddos in China.) Jennai, was born with only one arm, her other limbs were missing. She also had cleft lip and palate and a heart issue. She has one of those adorable faces that you just can't forget. We believe this little girl will impact the world in a great way with her testimony. Expect to see more from this little girl! (unfortunately they picked Jennai up on the last day and is not in this photo, I will try to post the other group photo that we took when I get it from another family.)
Dan and Teri from Oregon and Shari are our friends that were with us the entire trip, picking up our kids in Gansu together. We hope to keep in close contact with them, as we had an amazing trip and lots of adventures together. We could not have been matched with better travel companions, we have so much in common. Another way we know that God orchestrated this entire journey for His Glory!

Along the way we met so many families and so many children! Some were healthy children that the families had waited over 6 years for. Some were listed as "healthy children" and then ended up having some pretty significant concerns. There were lots of cleft lip and palate kiddos, which at this point we don't see as a significant need, though I am sure we will over the course of Adalynn's surgeries. However, it is very doable for us. There were kids with limb difference, missing fingers, repaired heart issues. There were also some "special needs" kids with really, really minor or completely repaired needs. There were babies, older kids and everything in between.

 I mention this as a little "plug" for China adoption. While China is a developing country the need is still great. The one child policy still exists in much of China. Forced abortion still happens. If parents can only have one child they want that child to be healthy. We made it a point in China to ask Chinese people about their children. One lady admiring our Adalynn, said that she had only one child, because that is all she is as allowed,she wanted a girl but,she NEEDED a boy. That pretty much sums it up. In addition to the superstition that comes with certain birth defects like cleft lip and palate, many believe that by keeping a child with this issue it will bring bad luck to the family.

Many people in China would point to our kids and make reference to their lips. At the airport in Gansu, a lady saw Samuel's lip and literally jumped back, shocked at the sight, and his lip is even repaired, but, a bit more noticeable than Adalynn's. Just another confirmation that they would not be accepted in the place of their birth.

I hear it all of the time. "We have always thought about adopting." but,,but..but.. "it's too hard, it's too expensive, the wait is to long, there is too much paperwork, we are not that tough, you never know what you are getting with adoption." Or the "if God wants us to adopt a baby will just show up." God rarely drops babies at doorsteps of adoptive families, he plants the seed that makes a family have the desire, but, it is up to us to do the work.

While we believe that all of the families we met in China, were special. The truth is they were just ordinary people following through on the plans that God had for them. Not everyone was wealthy, some had loans to cover their expenses, many received grants, or had fundraisers to help with expenses. Most of the families will be eligible to receive the tax credit, of over $13,000, (YES, a credit not a deduction!!! )

Granted you don't know exactly what you are getting with adoption. However, the same can be true with pregnancy. Our biological children had significant heath issues, that we never expected to have to deal with.
We were able to research different special needs and only be matched with a child that had medical concerns that we were comfortable with.
We had detailed medical and developmental reports on Adalynn, we had doctors review them, and we made the most informed decision that we felt possible.

It's not too late..we were actually among the youngest families to adopt from China. I would say the average age of adoptive parents would be mid 40's to early 50's. We met a couple that were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in China while adopting their very 1st child!

Paperwork..now this one does get me! But, if I can do it anyone can. I am totally unorganized, to the point of being irresponsible. I don't keep track of stuff, I loose things all of the time. I am creative and not one bit detail oriented with boring paperwork. However, I take it one thing at a time, and I do it. It feels really good to accomplish something completely "out of my box of talents."

In the China adoption process, we found it to be very predictable, ethical with a well run system. Once we arrived in China everything was taken care of. We had a lot of appointments, but, everything was as we were told, we were never asked for additional money, or anything that we had not prepared for. Ethics in adoption is VERY important to us, and we felt that all of the "T's were crossed and all of the I's were dotted.")

Adoption is not for the faint at heart, and it certainly is not for everyone. However, we believe that God does equip the ones that He calls, and provides grace to cover it all! It is a step of faith. If you have any questions about our process, or are considering adoption we would love to share our story with you, and answer any questions that we can.

catching up!

                          We expected Adalynn to be a little delayed, not the case. She was bored with all of the baby toys I had brought her, so we went to some store and paid like $30 US for the only toy we could find that we thought she would like. I am pretty sure the price went way up when they saw us! I thought stuff was suppose to be cheap in China!

Wow! It has been a full week home, and we are adjusting. I am back to blogging after getting shut down while in China. We had signed up for a Virtual Private Network before we had went to China. Since facebook and blogger are blocked in China, the VPN, makes it appear that we are posting from San Francisco, Miami, or NYC. It worked fine until my last post with the Jesus Reigns etching in the Great Wall. Then even if we changed our city location we were shut down within seconds. Making us very grateful to live in this free country, even with the faults and short comings. We are blessed, we appreciate the freedoms and the rights that we have.

I have so many adventures to share with all of you. We can't believe how exciting and enjoyable our trip to China really was, and the great friends that we made while there.

Taken at the Zoo.

 Here is Shari's little Hannah. I love her ornery little personality! This photo sums her up, standing on the NO TOUCHING sign!

 Adalynn's 1st McDonald's experience. She loves to dip her french fries in ketchup, but, she had trouble swallowing her chicken nuggets.

                                               At  a museum, in Lanzhou.

I will also share more in another post about how it is going on the homefront. But, it is going much better. Since Matt went back to work Adalynn and I have been spending all of our time together, and she is tolerating me very well! She loves to play with me, I can carry her. Occasionally, she even lets me rock her. If anyone has seen us out and about, you probably know that she is pretty anti-social. Which we are grateful for, she is definitely not a "mommy shopper" like Eli was. She prefers me and is irritated if anyone so much as looks at her.

Jesus Reigns!

Before I begin, I will here is a picture that we took at the Great Wall of all places. Yes, Jesus does Reign. China is a spiritually dark place, this sign is a glimpse of light in the darkness. Today we toured a Buddhist Temple. Right before we entered we met this Chinese man pictured above. He came up to us, and said, in his best broken English. "Do you know? Have you heard the good news? God is ALIVE in China, the God that gave us Christmas." Yes, friend, we told him God IS alive in China, and He has always been here. This man was evangelizing even at great risk to himself.

We met another woman pictured above, her name is Helen and she is a Christian, and so is her mother and sister. We asked her how she came to believe, and she said it was through missionaries! Yes, God is here He is everywhere.  

 

 Here we are outside of the Buddhist temple. We are so thankful for these new friends.

 A Buddhist monk praying.

 Here is our sweet little girl, our precious chosen child, that was likely born a Buddhist, and abandoned because of the superstition that came with her birth defect. Our group plans to have a prayer and re dedication time for our children, to dedicate them to our Lord Jesus Christ, and to cast out any "spirits that have been spoken over them."

 As we entered this temple, we could feel a dark spirit there. It really is hard to explain. But, it feels like the absence of Hope. It is heavy, it is demonic.

 The people bow down and worship this god, they put money at his feet, and then they go on about their day.

 A solemn moment watching these people bow before a god who is not real. There shall be no other gods but, the One True God.

 

 I really can't understand worshipping something like this.

 Lighting candles as prayers.